feeling of rejection

i am lying if i say that i am okay. just imagine that the feeling of rejection from someone who you planned to spend your whole life with ! or something that meant so much to you and suddenly it slipped away when you are about the grab hold of it as if it was telling you that this will make a drastic turn in your life... it really hurts a lot... everytime i sit alone , the realised that the thing i did was leaving space for the awful thought to cloud my mind and eventually made ever possible tears gathered around my eyes and dropping without hessitation... a part of me tells me to stay tough by recalling all the motivational quotes on what love should be and what should you do when you faced a rejection , while another part of my body was actually lifeless as if every ounch of strength was sent to the core and make ever reasuring repair to the countless holes but no matter how hard it tries, i felt that a surge of immense pressure pulsate through my every vein making tremendous damage to my heart surreptitiously.... it was beyond bearable... for every agonizing seconds of what seemed like forever , every unstable beat my heart possessed had threaten it to burst from sorrowness. i really thought that it would be fine.. but is not, i dont really know how to explain how and why, but i felt that a part of me had already fallen apart , let alone the process of healing where me myself have to pick up the pieces one by one and stick it back, i am now looking at every spaces that my room can offer without registering all the stuff that staked up in a particularly amusing way and if you notice it carefully , the books was arranged one after another but occasionally , a book will go jutting out the highly staked papers and asignments , it was nearly perfect or perhaps its imperfection that makes is almost perfect, just like every human being with its own personality... i knew exactly well that i cant do anything or to judge everyone , but i can tell you , with every fading strength left , i will learn to live and love , again............

love

it all began with a little seed. everyday you pour her some water , let her feel sunlight or even ocassionally some fertillizers to make it grow to be strong . each and every drop of care is the seed to this growing plant. looking at it, growing , budding , or even it evetually dies belongs to everyone.

i was always asked ''what is love'' . i had pondered for a long time but none of the definations rally suits ''love''. is it a feeling that a boy and a girl own ? is it a feeling of like towards someone else? or is it a thing that once come and stay, sometimes for a while but sometimes it never leaves? or is it a thing that use the knife and stab it into your very heart... i do not know...

i must admit that love had once came knocking on my door, but it didnt want to stay long at the other person's heart. Love, for the time being, i can only define as a plant. it grows at each passing day. i am so in love with her that time till every part of me had change for her.

well this is my story
in the beggining, we started off with a smooth conversation and neglected each other for over a year. then i picked up my guts to try to chat with her in an very awkward way ---- letters.. meeting each other everyday but chatting with letters ? ya it may be a joke but it is fun, waiting everyday for her friend's appearance holding a small piece of paper and replying every questions and exchanging words , it was pretty excited.you know, that kind of feel when the both of your eyes met hers, your heart start pounding at tremendous speed and it started to hammer at your rib cage as if it might burst st any second. i felt like when i am with her, i had the world and every thing aroung me seemed to be , PARADISE.. then it all ended (well maybe) with a spark of desire and rushing to ''have'' love,i was overeacting and we stopped sending each other letters and she started seeing someone else. at the time being it seemed unfair , i felt like , ya just unfair. seeing another guy without confessing that she didnt like me. i rather have her to stab right through my fragile soul than casting poisons into my heart , letting it to become more and more contagious and crying myself to bed had seemed to be the only cure. having done that much damage to my heart , i can tell you that i never had hated her and i had never let animosity overwhelmed my blurest memories with her , yes even she rejected to dance with me. i found myself being hurt and hurt again but everytime i seeked myself for forgiveness , now i can tell that this love that once came along my doorsteps is all about sacrifices .. till now i must admit... i had never able to let it go completely.

yes.. i hope you are seeing this.. i never had really move on though i am the one convincing myself i have. you seemed fine around me but itches crawled in my heart when i am with you. i cant think rasionally , i cant sort things out, but whatever it is... all the thing i had done to you i had never ever regret and i will never blame for how much damage you'd done to me. it is just that.. i want you to understand , how you had came into my world , heal my heart, break it and eventually mend itself. though we might not be together , at least you leave footprints in my life and i am not going to forget it as the saying goes ''it is better to have loved and lost than to never had love at all... ''

okay... finished my part
well ....you always see it in the internet. ''i do not love you for who you are , but who i am when i am with you'' last time i used to think that this is wrong because if you are not going to go out with her for who you are, how are you going to love her as you are not yourself,right? but after that i just discovered that being in love and being loved do change someone else. it is true. you try changing it for her/him . i dont know why but it just happened

i came acroos some quotes and i plan to share it with you...
--if you find yourself in love with a person who doesnt love you , be gentle with yourself. there is nothing wrong with you. love just didnt choose to rest in the other person's heart.... if you find someone else in love with you and you dont love him or her, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. do not take advantage, do not cause pain. how your hearts feel the same pains and joys , even if our lives and ways are very different.... if you fall in love with another and she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaimit or assess blame. let it go . there is a reason and there is a meaning. you will knoe in time , but time it self will choose the moment... do remember that you dont choose love, love chooses you... ----
-- chicken soup for teenage soul series --
teen love - on relationships

is a nice book and you should read it. well.. here is my little edited edition . maybe i am wrong. but i just wanna voice out.

to some who loves a guy/a girl who doesnt love you.... dont go chasing her as you will only make matters worse... remains as friends, treat her/him like you treat everyone else , you cant make someone you love, but you can always love someone and the rest of it is left for the person to realise you worth... for those who was loved by someone but you feel the opposite way, be gentle to him/her, reject him/her politely, dont go breaking hearts , say it in a way that will benefits you both as the both of you can always remains as friends.... and for those who had loved and lost, well, all of you knows that love is a thing that cannot be forced, if love chooses to leave, let it be, or if it is because of a third party , let one to decide who is worth to love and loved, i believe that miracle do happens sometimes and God have a plan for us, cry yourself out if you are sad and MOVE ON... trust me.. do muve on because i know the feeling of lingering there, it was never a plesant one and thats the thing i might not be able to do. remember ;-) dont abandon the forest because of one tree, there is always trees for a woodpecker to find its way around it, it just matter if the tree is suitable or not..

fine i know i crap to long. for those who had a love right now , students year.... treasure it like there is never a tomorrow, you may just realise how it meants to you... for those who is still single... try not falling in love so easily, love can be a stranger that worth not to open the door to welcome it. best of luck to all couples...

**editor's note- this is based on the editor's experience , facts are not taken and the editor will not hold any resposiblity for any ''mishap''

Emma Watson

Everlasting love holds us together, you and i
My love for you will never die
My heart is with yours and yours with mine
A love we share so true and yet so fine

We love each other so much like no one else did
A love we have so real and yet so deep
To each of our deepest emotions, we tend to share
Sometimes we disagrees but for each other we'd care
Over the years i've had you , i'll love you in everyway
Nothing can change my love for you , nothing can take it away

memory at sungai pari

''two ice cream soda and a packet of potato chips please''
i pointed my finger towards the huge packet of packets of potato chips, reaching my hand to it although i knew exactly well that i couldnt really reach it and my cousin sis will eventually took it for me... while she was doing that i loved looking at the man with erm, i dont really remember , ya, a big tummy with a sarong always hung on as a trousers who poured the soda drinks into a small transparent packet with ice. after footing the bill , i would automatically wear my most gorgeous smile on my face and everythime i did it , i would lament on the potato chips which wasjust half-filled the packet, and my sis.. of course listened to me attentively.

yes. it was the time when i was baby-sitted by my aunt who really loves me. without the company of my sis, i was dead boring but that moment will never happen.

everything came just at the same time and i dont know where to start.

an outstanding basketball player he was but i had never ever saw him play, my aunt said he was a good basketball player, well i didnt really know bout it. i was actually 6 years old and basketball was seemed to be a foolish game to me. however he was and is a great guy. he is my cousin bro. last time he used to tease me with my height , but now? haha.. i am taller. when i was really young i love playing that kind of plastic which have air contained in small covered-space which used for protecting fragile things , i called those ''pop pop''. i liked snapping them and twist it and the ''pop'' sound came popping my ears almost at the same time, i dont know why was i having fun in those things rather than those so-called-boy-games.usually my bro will certainly gave me that if he found one. have you ever try riding a motor without a helmet? well.. ask me then. it was cool with the wind blowing towards you like the ruming of the bees and every second the motor engines trembling hard , a bolt of excitement overwhelmed my soul with my hands holding tight to his waist , i felt a dangerous act i was doing but somehow his vast body had given me enough safety and trust. i hung on to him , anyway , i begged for the ride around 9 . damn, thinking of those days i was very naughty!

food! was my favourite pass-time. yes i love eating. especially my aunt's cooking. the herb soup , and what else? gee, i barely remember. ya.. her cooking's really kept me fat. yes, i remembered , PEANUT COOKIES. well i am not very sure with the names of it but it is called by it in cantonese. :) my aunt loved baking cookies and cakes especially in the free time . and i love doing it with her. altough she taught my technic about baking good cookies, her explaination was so clear but none of it was registered in my mind. after all i did it just for fun and i only cared for the resuts. eat eat and eat . haha... looking back, i really felt ashamed of myself , having my aunt to wait for me for the kinder's class to end , every once in a while i would gaze out the window and sight her appearance. i still remember that one time she had gone back and i was ailing like a small baby. come on guys, i was really a baby that time!!!

my sis. most moments i had spent with her, craved firm in my mind from disagreement and quarell to sharing the favourite food and our favourite card game, ''angkat turun'' , i had always treasured her as my real sister. i love bullying her and i love spending time with her. guess what i cut my own hand with her blade, so dumb man.i admitted that i was mischievious, i still remember that there is one time i started calling her names and she didnt sprak to me for almost a week. i was not that apologic type of guy last time, (but i am now) and i didnt really know what was happening around me. maybe my aunt talked to her or maybe she sorted things out. if you are seeing this. i am really sorry. every afternoon we will go buy ice cream sodas and potato chips, well potato chips is her favourite , and ya, not forgetting moutain dew. till now i didnt know why we love drinking non-popular-soft drinks but hey, thats really nice. you should try it. SG. PARI (angel river -.-* , i only heard bout angel falls) is a place i grew up and my childhood was there. haha. kind to think of it, it really rekindle the happiness i had long lost !

~ love you jie jie ~
~ love you gor gor~
~love you aunty ~

the power of dreams

do dreams really named anything?
do dreams really show our deepest fear?
do dreams really mean our future?

i was like so realistic , the furthest i can remember is that it was at night and a dark angel came to tell us that there will be something ;''huge'' coming , will the other beside me guessing what it will be , those who i didnt really see their faces , somehow or rather i know that someone was going to be killed. it was like a film or something. everything came and went so fast. the next thing got into my mind is that i was playing basketball in my school at hall probably (since when there is a indoor basketball court in my school? ) and i knew that i was in danger , something or someone is gonna kidnap me . and suddenly i turns into the night after i warned my friend about it. we did nothing but just run as fast as our feet can carry us. with knowing , we reached a classroom. it was dark and holy good . it seemed like those movie where the room was dilapitated , dusty , those type when you could really see heat all over the room. suddenly we heard footsteps , rushing footsteps. i quickly picked up a fork which lies on the floor shining but there is not light in the room , so how can it be shining. anyway , i picked it up and the net thing i saw were 2 bad guys rushed into the room , one just right beside the front door showing just his head and part of the body as he peeked into it, and the other was doing the same but with a gun aiming at us . upon seeing the stairs up to heaven , i somehow ignore it and subconciously i flied my fork towards him. it was a direct and critical hit , the gun in his hand few over accompanied with a yell but hardly audible. i did the same thing to the one behind and he just dissapear into thin air. therefore i picked more forks and spoons and some table knife and offer it to my buddy, but he rushed outside faster a second faster than me , failing me to hand him some ''arms'' . i followed his footsteps , horror struck my whole body , i saw him struggling with one of the bad guy , and long thin , more to a table knife but slightly longer thrust through his adomen. at that moment , i knew that i cant save him but save my life by running at lightning speed. no tear nor grief overwhelmed me thats why i was feeling uneasy after that , i mean when i woke up. okay. continue.... i ran and i ran sunddenly it is daytime -.-* (what the hell is this, it is not making any sense?) but i saw a figure walking out from the girls toilet , it was her (yf) , a girl i was pondering for quite some time. and her friend , probably came coming out from where she did. ''hey'' she said upon seeing. '' i have no time to talk bout this , you must help me, there are some guys chasing me (i forget is in chinese or cantonese) '' was my brief reply , looking at her with hopeful eyes, but knowing in a way that she will definitely help me. ''come on , come in here'' -.-* she ran towards the girl's toilet and hid in one of the rooms pretending to ''you-know-what''. yet again, footsteps rung through my ears , the three of us knew that is ''them'', the one i was talking nervously about. the are talking in cantonese , some ''boys-stuff'' and it was just what i'd expected. somehow or rather i feel like i knew what would it happen next , it was like i was the game master in this so-called-virtual-reality-world, knowing what will happen next but without an idea of what to do next. after they went out , i tiptoed to have a look outside . no one, time to escape , just as i went rushing out , another gang of boys' footsteps signal the arrival. then i went into another rooms just opposite the exit and entrance . it was filty and the door was short as if it was ripped apart , half-covering my overgrown body. someone is scraching at my door and the sound of tearing the loytape was to be heard. what? he was pasting my door. i did a slight opening and before i knew what i was doing, i knocked the guy just outside the door and rushed to the exit and outside the toilet without any delay, there stood another gang . -.- how come so many people and how am i going to escape? before i realised it, my legs are functioning my body as if a replacement for my brain. i leap so hard and out the fence , land it nicely on the concrete road and headed towards the factory just ahead. those guys are still chasing me and i heard a boy said ''go after him ''. half thinking where is yf , i rushed towards the door.. bang it and the guy inside opens it. i joined them tell them everything , and everything is illogical. i know it already it is a dream..... i am realising it it was a dream in my dream -.-*

dreams , in my opinion , a thing that shows insecurity?
who knows, neither you and i...

yesterday

''yesterday , all my troubles seem so far away ,
now it looks as though they're here to stay,
oh i believe in yesterday,
suddenly , i'm not half the man i used to be
there's a shodow hanging over me ,
oh, yesterday come suddenly" --yesterday , by Lobo--

a phrase of the lyrics damn suitable to explain or in a formal tone , describe my current situation... william shakespear once said that life is just like a brief candle and we are just an actor upon the stage , no matter how well we act, no matter how well we perform , once off the stage, we might just be a passer-by in the eyes of others... is this life or aint it?

'' hey how bout playing hide and seek ? ''
''wow , thats great ''
''come on , i'll count until 100 , i'm sure to catch you this time ''
''lets see then''
i was eight years back then , the sun was warmer accompanied by the sailing clouds passed by occassionally due to the soft breezes of wind pushing them effortlessly... it was then 9 o'clock... we took the usual bumped backway to my aunt's house... as we took our careful steps trying hard not to step on the poo-poo , deep wonderful fragrance sooth through my nostril causing my saliva dripping down my mouth ever now and then... it was always a sight to behold , no , its not decorated by greenish tall trees neither the colourful flowers you found in everybody's front yard. it was a tarred road, well perhaps a little too old and in a devastating shape , but i felt a friendly surounding and my heart would feel secure in a way that i'll never know why. the inviting screamings of them signalled their arrival , and i hastened my pace joyfully. we spent the morninghours playing hide and seek , pepsi cola , ''gor guang'' (level completing) jumping aeroplanes , hide and seek so on and so forth. after an enormous amout of laughter , we then call it a day.........

13 years back then...
although those long times is not that fresh in my mind currently , but there is still something i am able to recall
''mummy what is this?'' the usual tone and FAQ by me and SPM will only known as ''Superbly-soft Pacifier made in Malaysia '' .thats was the time when warmth and happiness were all from the hands of my parents and of course siblings. not knowing what is pressure, not knowing what is pain ,half not knowing i mean , i still understand it and tears start dripping down like water tickling from the tap when my brother beat me up .i knew it was pain as long as his hand landed on my buttocks and love after that. he used to kiss me , but all he received were just strugglings and wiping of my face after that. i dont know why i wipe my face back then , maybe i thought it is disgusting for a boy to kiss a boy , in my own fantasy world , a girlfriend's kiss is the most perfect but you cant blame me right? i was just 3 -.-* of course now i know it the right way, every kiss mean love , haha. but i must admit, those from my bro will always leave a trail of happiness and i would always smile on that. :) [love you bro] haha... ya.. i missed the time when i was running around like a headless chicken with just my pants on, always wanting mummy to chase after me. gee.. dont look at me like that, i was , er.. i am an obedient hild , at least good enough to sit properly when lunch and dinner time and every bit of rice would only managed to call for help , course nothing escape my mouth . thats why i am so fat now, but i considered it fit , not fat. big different with an ''A'' and an "i" ~teehee... the first computer game i played is worms , a game when you have few worms (soldier man , it rocks) in your team and ended up fighting each teams with bazooka and dynamic. it really rocks ... haha..** promoting ** .. tee hee...~~~ Everything is just FUN!!!

17 years back then
er... still in my mummy's tummy... teehee

to come to think of those days , gay and gorgeous days ... never will again be my everyday life.
homework and tuitions not forgetting the immense pressure of SPM pressed hard enough to barely even breathe was a doubtless truth. heavy text books and pilled-up-exercise-books are the only thing that i logged to school , leaving no space of willingness and happiness. it was as seemed a must-do-task and avoiding these obligations must not found in a student's eyes...
what the hack?
is pathetic.

should there be?

BACK to school.... and accompanied by a bunch of mixed feelings. come on people, if i say i am not sad, its obvious that i am lying and no ones love schooling , perhaps the way they love their idol,thats a hands-down-question... but i am also lying to myself if i say i am not happy. first thing came up to my mind as i stepped foot in my class, no is not ''hey'' .. is a phrase anyway, ''wow , no one seems to have a hairstyle just like mine, gee i am rather unique'' .....

well.. is good to see a walking bamboo , the sawanah grass hair , king kong larger than peter jackson's one and would you please minus naomi watts , well he is still single and mostly , no doubt, GIRLS. FRIENDS ,a word most suitable for a reason for me to wear a smile. teachers perhaps was cheerful , the profesional dogs judge , the pastor , the goldfish , names we used to call them all came back fresh in my mind. not much for the first but fees were like hell , even a metal saw couldnt cut a hole that large in my pocket......

A feeling rushed over me to find out that even friends care more than the parents but in just my point of view, it saddened me to see her with her cheerful but hidden pressure were seen in her elegant smile , and in a way that me myself saw it but no others. should it be the way she act? should it be the way she told me bout her other side of the story? should there be any misconception? i didnt know... As leaves rustled like the usual tone of boredness, i realised nothing but her sorrowful truth and my mind drifted no where but landing of her face. i hoped to know her more and gave her what i could but was i hanging to false hope? i didnt know and i wished to know...... (black eyes peas done a great job ... where is the love huh? )

however, the starting was beyond my expectation and unfortunately nothing is and was happening like the way i wished them to happen. my class , yes my class which i used to love was scattered, and 2006 brought me back here a moody room with a boring atmosphere and i realised that --- x+x+y-1/2x --- is actually on their mind, no one was leaving their books. they sighed as the head of SPBT annouced the arrival of books but they didnt seem to leave their ''bookworm'' attitude... all i could see in my BM novel is UFW (unidentified fonts and wordings) and ridiculous sentences that i myself wished not to even lean my small spec-less eyes on it but was forced to do so.

crush? ya crush... the everytime i stepped in my class , i was the first thing swam through my deepst thoughts.. MY LIFE IS CRUSHED ... girls were exceptionally little , with the count of my own fingers and toes it still had space for it... specking bout girls.. i thought they are the friendliest creature in the world but one thing proved me wrong, not greeting even a moutain damn enormous like me sat just in front and beside them but they act like a dust just landed on they hand, a nodding feeling of rude and impolite attitude to be seen. '' who cares , you are not my friend.. '' they thought...

i nicknamed a teacher MR all-right , before that i must admit he is someone who teaches you , guide you , friendly (perhaps) but you will never got him wrong .. you know what i mean . he was more cruel than the king of the famous dinasti , shih huang ti who never let you have a chance to defend yourself when it comes to speaking . Yuk choy a good school.. as everyone said... i am not commenting but if you can make it simple, the meaning of words are the meaning of words.. NO OFFENCE... i love my school anyway!!!!!!!!! thats true .. finger crossing